In My Place

Tonight I want to talk a bit about self identity, self esteem and confidence. It ties into my previous post on depression and anxiety a bit, in that depression and anxiety have always fed my low self esteem and lack of confidence, and now that I am finding that I can have these things while still battling depression and anxiety, I want to share a bit with others my own experiences and lessons, and some things I have come to believe.

I used to have terribly low self esteem. I loathed myself. I thought I was the most worthless piece of nothing that ever existed. I blamed myself for everything bad in the world, and for every time someone was rude to me, or downright nasty to me, I convinced myself it was my fault. I spent far more energy than any human being could actually maintain on trying to please everyone around me.

My whole life, for the first 30 something years, I did everything I could to make people happy, to make them like me. I genuinely believed if there was anything that people were unhappy or angry about, it was my fault.

I was a walking doormat.

Strangely enough, there were plenty of people who told me just that. You're nothing. You're fat, stupid, lazy, greedy, ugly, worthless, pathetic. Some of these were my own family, some were people that called themselves my friends. Some of them were absolute strangers on the street. I believed them. Despite giving every ounce of energy I had to being, doing everything I could to please everyone else but myself, I believed them that I was worthless.

Then I was diagnosed with depression, and referred on to a psychologist who specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Through CBT I retrained my brain to be able to recognise the patterns in my behaviour and thinking that were damaging to me. I learned to like myself. My self esteem grew. As did my confidence. Slowly but surely, I began to actually love myself.

I know, I know, when you hear the words "love myself" you think of having tickets on yourself, or being up yourself. But when you truly learn what it is to love who you essentially are, it's not like that at all. It doesn't mean you think you're perfect or flawless. It doesn't mean that you think you can't make mistakes, or there aren't things about yourself that you can hone and improve. It means that you respect who you are, are proud of doing your best when you can and see your value as a human being.

Nor does it mean that you're all shiny and groovy forever. Sometimes you forget to love yourself. Sometimes the confidence and self esteem slip a bit. Then you have to rework it, relearn all those lessons and find your way again.

I am a work in progress, and always will be.

One of the big lessons I have learnt over the past year is that it doesn't matter if people don't like me. I don't need them to. What matters is that I like me as I have to live with me 24 x 7.

I spent so many years trying to make everyone happy and get them to like me, but even when I did everything I possibly could to make people happy, there were some that still didn't like me. So here I was, trying so hard, with people not liking me, and I was still unhappy. I have learnt that if I work to make myself happy, then I will draw people into my life that DO matter, and they will be happy because they matter to me and I will show them.

Life is not a popularity contest. You don't need to collect the most friends to win. What you do need to do is value the people that matter to you the most, and give your best to life.

If people don't like me, fair enough. I don't like some people myself. A lot of people really. It doesn't hurt me if people don't like me. All I ask of people who don't like me is to leave me alone. If you don't like me, why are you bothering to expend any energy on me? As the saying goes, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If I don't like someone, I travel in the opposite direction to them, not hang around paying them attention. I don't like them, why would I want to pay them any attention?

But what really matters to me is that I can be proud of myself. I try to ask myself with every decision "What will I be proud of later." Doesn't mean I always make the right decision, but it means that I make a lot more right ones than if I didn't ask myself that question!

There are a lot of people who don't like confident women. Some don't like confident men, but more don't like confident women. Women are supposed to be demure and dainty and humble. Women are supposed to be always giving, to be always supportive and enabling. Women aren't supposed to be proud of themselves. Women aren't supposed to not care if they're not liked.

Instead of walking away from those women, the people that don't like them feel the need to bring them down, to "put them in their place". NOTHING pisses these people off more than a woman who refuses to be "put in her place". What a bitch! She refuses to bow to what I think she should be, to conform to how I think she should behave!

I have a place. That is not for anyone other than ME to determine.

I remove those people from my life who want anything for me other than my happiness. Yet despite the cries of "You selfish bitch, you'll have no friends, you'll die alone and miserable and bitter." from these people who cannot bear the thought of someone simply walking away from them.

Yet here's the funny thing. Since I learned this lesson, the lesson of self esteem and confidence, the lesson of "I am beholden to no man/woman, other than myself." I am happy. And I have more truly wonderful people in my life than I ever had when I was trying to please everyone else. The connections I have made may not be as widespread, but they are far, far deeper. There is a sense of peace in me that I never had before. I feel light and strong and balanced. I carry no burdens of other people's bad behaviour longer than the time it takes for me to disengage from them.

Again, that doesn't mean that I don't still have bouts of self loathing, of fights with the black dog of depression and waves of anxiety, fears and worries. But it means that I can take a deep breath, stop and look around, see the people I love and who love me as I am, and set myself back onto the path again.

I want other people to feel what I am feeling now. I want others to know what it's like to let go of having to have the approval of others just because those others are vocal and domineering. I want to share this peace and strength. The only way I know how is to tell my story and share my experience.

A Letter To Myself

How long is it since you were sixteen?  It's an awful long time since I was sixteen, and if you've been reading earlier posts, you'll know that my 20 year high school reunion was just a couple of weeks ago (for those of you who haven't read earlier posts, I didn't go).

I had a conversation with a friend recently about if you knew then, what you know now.  Which kind of got me thinking, what would I say to myself if I could sit down today and write a letter for 16 year old me, that 16 year old me would actually receive.  So I thought I would give it a go here.

Dear me,

I know right now you just can't imagine being 36 years old.  I know you've thought about the Year 2000 and how you'll be 27 when the new year hits and and that's totally unfathomable to you.  But it does happen, and it will sail right by you really quickly, and before you know it, 2010 is racing up towards you at a phenomenal rate.

But that will be ok.  Because unlike the years gone by, you feel more comfortable about time passing than you have when you were younger, and you'll not feel like you have all these deadlines and rules you have to stick by in your life.

I know right now in your life, you are all you have that you feel you can depend on.  Things are changing all around you, you're finding a little bit of the strength you are capable of, and you're making decisions for YOU for the first time in your life.  You're well versed in making adult decisions, you've been making them since  you can remember, but this is about the first time you're making those decisions with yourself in mind.  Even though you don't quite recognise it yet, and you're still trying to please everyone else, you're starting to get your first inkling that you do need to look after you before everyone else.  That's good, because the sooner you learn that, the easier it gets honey!

You're scared, and you feel like things never change.  They will.  Boy oh boy will they change for you very soon.  You're going to meet your first true love very soon, and you will still love him with your whole heart over 20 years later, even though you know he's not the man for you.  And I promise you, he'll never break your heart.  He'll teach you that men can be gentle and loving and giving, that they don't have to be about violence and humiliation.  Watch out for him, you'll know he's a kindred spirit the moment you meet him.

Don't worry so much about what other people think about you.  Worry about what you think about you.  That's not an easy lesson to learn, but it is the truth.  Especially don't worry what strangers or people you don't like think about you.  They matter NOTHING.  And if someone thinks bad things about you, then they're not worth caring about.  The ones who matter love you to bits, and they'll prove it in a million ways.

Oh and your family?  You're the one that's getting it right sweetie, it's ok.  You will find a happiness that their selfishness and bitterness will never, ever afford them.  You will be free.

Your body is not who you are.  It's hard being different to everyone else, I know, but it doesn't define you.  Who you are is in your heart and soul and mind.  Again, those people who don't love you for who you really are, well, they're not worth caring about either.

Believe it or not, you can learn anything you put your mind to.  A fucking brilliant TV show called Mythbusters is going to teach you that.  Yep, a TV show.  It will end up being one of the few things you bother to watch.  Because every time it's on, it awakes a new curiosity in you for something else you can learn about.  It will send you off to the library or the internet (don't worry, you'll learn what the internet is in about a decade, and you'll never look back) to learn more about a gazillion other subjects.  Through that learning you'll discover a confidence in yourself that you would never have believed possible.  Here they are, keep an eye out for them:

And guess what?  The stutter goes away.  Not totally, but enough that most people will never know you suffered from it, unless you choose to tell them.  So much, that you'll even be public speaking one day. 

But what I really want you to know is, you're awesome.  Not in a wanky conceited way, but just you, as you really are, with all your flaws, mistakes, fuck-ups, goofiness and traits that some people put you down for, are actually awesome.  You don't have to be perfect to be awesome.  You are a smart, beautiful, funny and HUGELY open hearted woman.  And the day you realise that will be the most liberating moment of your life.

I love you.

Kath

Roses are Red...

Well another Valentine's Day has been and gone.   *Kath waves*

This is the first Valentine's Day since I have been conscious of the concept of Valentine's Day that I haven't been totally depressed.  And it's been a single Valentine's Day for me.  Not to mention the fact that I stayed home all day and didn't really do anything.

It goes to show just how much more at peace with myself I am these days.  I used to measure my self worth by my status or activity on Valentine's Day.  "I'm so pathetic, I'm single on Valentine's Day."  Or "Why doesn't he show me he loves me more?  I must be horrible."  But this year I didn't feel that my being single and spending the day at home reflected at all on who I am.  It was nice to send a few pretty things to friends on Facebook, but otherwise, it didn't really affect me much at all.

One thing I did notice though, was the number of people, and admittedly, almost exclusively women, complaining that their Valentine's Day was crap because their significant other didn't do enough for them on the day.  Didn't acknowledge the day enough, wasn't romantic enough.

Now don't get me wrong, but isn't Valentine's Day a celebration and appreciation of love?  Or is it an excuse to get the best goodies you can?  Or the most elaborate gestures you can?

Shouldn't it be about celebrating and appreciating that you HAVE someone to love in your life, who loves you?  Shouldn't it be an opportunity to take some time out and spend time together?  If you're in it for the gestures and the goodies... do you really love that person?

I'm just askin' is all.