I Need a Lover that Wont Drive Me Crazy...

Any of you who follow me on Twitter, or my Facebook page, will probably have seen my statement last night that I am rather fed up with being single at the moment.  Please don't take this as a pity party, I don't in any way feel sorry for myself, just a bit bored and frustrated with this particular place in my life, and I feel I'm ready to change that.

What did surprise me was the number of people who suggested that I find a "friend with benefits".

Hang on a minute... didn't I just say I was sick of being single?  Doesn't that imply that I would like to be part of a relationship?

Personally I find the idea of "friends with benefits" quite insulting.  So what you're saying is, you just want to have sex with me, but you don't want to value me enough to actually have a relationship with me?  And I should feel good about that because...???

Anyhoo, I'm actually in the market for a relationship.  A no games, no bullshit, adult relationship.  I'm not in any way desperate, I don't feel less of a woman because I am single (I used to, but that was about low self esteem, not being single) and I don't have any agenda of any prospective partner other than that he treat me with respect and honesty.  I'm not out for a man to support me, rescue me or "complete me".

I would really just like to share life with someone.  Oh and the sex.  I miss sex!  Just because I don't like the friends with benefits deal, doesn't mean I'm not looking for a damn  hot lover!  I'm just looking for a lover who is willing to commit to me in the long term, because I deserve nothing less!

The whole dating world is fraught with peril for the fat woman over 30.  The single, unattached man pool is somewhat smaller than when one was younger.  It seems a lot of men are much pickier past 30 and tend to want to date women younger than them.  Age doesn't really matter to me, it's about the person he is, not the statistics he is made up of.  Or if they're not looking for a younger woman to settle down with, they're committed to the unattached life, and are not looking for a relationship.  That's not to say ALL guys fit into these standards, but many of them do.

Plus we folk (both guys and girls) over 30 have a lot more to lose in the unfortunate event of someone who misrepresents themselves.  Lived through that one not too long ago.  We're financially stable, we have assets and investments and unfortunately there are some who would like to get their hands on that, and do prey on those suffering loneliness to do so.  That has nothing to do with gender, it happens on both sides.  Thankfully I'm in no way lonely enough to let that kind of behaviour slip through ever again, as I may have done in my naive youth!

But those things aside, I know that there are lots of awesome guys out there, and not all of them are already snapped up by other ladies, or gay.  I know there is a nice bloke out there for me somewhere, not intimidated by a fat chick with a brain, just looking for an awesome woman like me!  One that he can relax and be himself with, and not worry about all the games and bullshit that some women like to play.  And one that isn't going to expect him to support her while she does nothing for him, or cling to him like a limpet without a life of her own.

If you know that bloke... send him my way!

Men: How to be Sexy

Ok yeah, I know, I'm on a bit of a Craig Ferguson kick at the moment.  I do that, you'll get used to it.  But because I've been watching a lot of his stuff online lately, I get to find gems like the video below.  It's totally worth watching for the whole 8+ minutes, I'm quite sure you won't regret it:

Now, aside from the absolutely fantastic message Mr Ferguson is sending here with this monologue, I want to talk about sexiness and attractiveness.  Watching this video above, this man is one of the sexiest I have seen in a long time.  I swear, he really does it for me.

Now, recently, a male friend said somewhat disdainfully to me "Women bitch about men always being superficial, but they're only after Brad Pitt and George Clooney."

BULLSHIT.

Some women are, yes.  But those women aren't after a man they can the spend the rest of their life with.  They want the pretty man right now.  They're not going to hang around as he ages and his looks fade.

Here's what I want.  I want a man who makes me laugh so hard I pee.  I want a man who laughs at himself, at the absurdity of life, but never at the expense of vulnerable people.  I want a man who has a brain and isn't afraid to use it and show it, but doesn't sneer at other people as somehow being less than him because he's intelligent.  I want a man who has the balls to speak up when he sees something is not right.  I want a man who thinks of others, and how his actions might affect them.  I want a man who cares.  Not in a "snag" kind of way, all "I feel your pain honey", but one that gives a shit about people around him and in the world.  I want a man who takes responsibility for himself, his life and the lives of his dependants.  I want a man who isn't intimidated by a woman who has an opinion, isn't intimidated by a woman who is proud of her achievements and who is responsible for herself and her actions.  I want a man who is into a woman for who she is, not for fleeting looks and perky tits.  In short, a man who is good.

Here's what I find sexy...

Jamie Hyneman is sexy.  He's uber-intelligent, has a great sense of humour, and has no tolerance for fools.

Chris Garver is sexy.  He's talented, humble, smart and known for teaching others his craft.

William McInnes is sexy.  He's down-to-earth, intelligent, has a great sense of humour and is a devoted family man.

And these are just a few who I find sexy.  None of them are pin-up-boy pretty, but they're all men who are comfortable in their masculinity, but don't need to posture and pose to prove it.  They're men who are who they are, and that is sexy.

In fact I can think of only one famous man that I find sexy that IS pin-up boy pretty.  Behold!

Yes, good old Hugh Jackman.  The bastard, he ruins it for all mere mortal men.  But what makes him sexy isn't just the outside package (though that is rather nice), it's that he's such a bloody nice bloke.  Loving husband and father, talented in many forms, nice bloke, smart, sense of humour, thoughtful, and willing to have a go at anything.  I do have a theory that he is either a mutant or a serial killer, because really, one man can't be that perfect.

But anyway, back to my point.  Sexy isn't about a pretty outside wrapper.  Sexy is about the man within.  I've dated pretty men, and they turned out to be not very sexy at all, in that they were arseholes.  No bigger turn off than a jerk, that's for sure.  Besides, pretty fades eventually and if that's all you've got...

Fellas, you want to be attractive to the ladies?  Then be a man from the inside out.  Nothing turns this woman (and I dare say many more women - holla back ladies in the comments if you're with me) on more than a man who is man enough to be respectful, intelligent, gentle, honest, thoughtful, fun and most of all a GOOD person.

Roses are Red...

Well another Valentine's Day has been and gone.   *Kath waves*

This is the first Valentine's Day since I have been conscious of the concept of Valentine's Day that I haven't been totally depressed.  And it's been a single Valentine's Day for me.  Not to mention the fact that I stayed home all day and didn't really do anything.

It goes to show just how much more at peace with myself I am these days.  I used to measure my self worth by my status or activity on Valentine's Day.  "I'm so pathetic, I'm single on Valentine's Day."  Or "Why doesn't he show me he loves me more?  I must be horrible."  But this year I didn't feel that my being single and spending the day at home reflected at all on who I am.  It was nice to send a few pretty things to friends on Facebook, but otherwise, it didn't really affect me much at all.

One thing I did notice though, was the number of people, and admittedly, almost exclusively women, complaining that their Valentine's Day was crap because their significant other didn't do enough for them on the day.  Didn't acknowledge the day enough, wasn't romantic enough.

Now don't get me wrong, but isn't Valentine's Day a celebration and appreciation of love?  Or is it an excuse to get the best goodies you can?  Or the most elaborate gestures you can?

Shouldn't it be about celebrating and appreciating that you HAVE someone to love in your life, who loves you?  Shouldn't it be an opportunity to take some time out and spend time together?  If you're in it for the gestures and the goodies... do you really love that person?

I'm just askin' is all.

Is "Nice" So Bad?

I had a conversation with a friend about a week ago about "nice people". In particular, how "nice guys don't get the girls." Now this fascinated me, because I consider this friend a nice guy.

The vibe I got from him, was that most people seem to equate "nice" or "good" with predictable, traditional, even boring. That people who weren't nice were more spontaneous and interesting. I'm quite sure that I don't agree with that theory. I'm thinking about the nice people I know in my life, and none of them are boring. None of them are what I would consider predictable.

I think I'm nice, and yet I doubt very much that I am predictable or staid in any way. I think I am very spontaneous. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I am nice. I am proud that I care about other people and how they feel, and that I get joy from making other people feel good. I like BEING good, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I always behave myself!

I'm thinking about the nice guys I know. The friend I had the conversation with... I believe he's a nice guy. He's not boring or predictable. My friend Dave... one of the nicest people on the planet, such a good soul that you just can't believe that any one person can have such a good heart... nope, he's not predictable. Another guy friend I have that strikes me as particularly lovely of heart... nope not in any way boring. In fact, I find all three of these guys fascinating company, funny, challenging of intellect, spontaneous. But also nice, good men. And none of 'em seem to have any problem with the ladies either, for that matter.

When did nice and good become such dirty words? When did the fun go out of being nice or good? When did being a nice person or a good person mean that you can never have any naughtiness in your life? That you become predictable or dull? Was it always perceived to be predictable and dull to be nice?

Now as for women not being attracted to nice men, I personally am HIGHLY attracted to nice men. Nothing sexier than a man who cares. About more than himself. Who cares about his family, his friends, the world, the environment, animals... anything! I personally find the whole bad boy "I don't give a shit about anything but myself." really unattractive, and yes... boring! I think someone who isn't nice, who is self centred is more predictable than someone who is nice. It bores me shitless frankly some guy that goes on and on about himself, and is so arrogant that he swaggers around as if he owns the world.

Am I in the minority? I am not entirely sure about women, but I do notice that there are a LOT of guys out there who will put up with some bitch who treats them like dirt and walks all over them, simply because she's supposed to be "interesting" in her attitude. But do women really prefer bad boys?

A female friend recently suggested that I did really love bad boys, because I have a bit of a thing for Wolverine. And Sawyer from Lost. But I thought about it, and realised that the thing I find attractive about them is that despite the fact they want the whole world to THINK they are bad guys, they're actually quite good men at their core. Wolverine fights on the side of good, not evil, and he loves and protects other people. Sawyer from Lost is a man who has done all kinds of bad things, but his natural instinct when it comes to the crunch is to protect and help people. It is more often than not him that comes to someone's rescue, not Jack, who is supposed to be the good guy.

I just know, give me a man who "gives a shit" about things in life over some self centred, arrogant arse anyday. Nice/good men are sexy. And that doesn't mean they're sloppy and simpering, it just means they can see the difference between what is right and what is wrong and always treat themselves and others with RESPECT. There is nothing sexier than a man who says things like "I thought you might like it if... (Could be anything...) I gave you a call, I washed your car, I made some time for you, I helped the kids school, I rang my mother... anything that shows that they care about people other than themselves, and that they had the thought of what might make me feel good. Mmmm.... now that's SEXY.

And correspondingly, I take great joy in doing something for the people I care about that makes them feel good. Not because it puts me in their good books, but because it gives me satisfaction to know that they walk a little taller or have a smile on their face. Where are the men that find that attractive in a woman?

How do you feel about "nice people". Do you think you are nice? Do you find niceness attractive or do you prefer bad boys/girls? Do you think if someone is nice, that they can't be spontaneous, or they must always "behave themselves"? I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on the nice/good thing.