In My Place

Tonight I want to talk a bit about self identity, self esteem and confidence. It ties into my previous post on depression and anxiety a bit, in that depression and anxiety have always fed my low self esteem and lack of confidence, and now that I am finding that I can have these things while still battling depression and anxiety, I want to share a bit with others my own experiences and lessons, and some things I have come to believe.

I used to have terribly low self esteem. I loathed myself. I thought I was the most worthless piece of nothing that ever existed. I blamed myself for everything bad in the world, and for every time someone was rude to me, or downright nasty to me, I convinced myself it was my fault. I spent far more energy than any human being could actually maintain on trying to please everyone around me.

My whole life, for the first 30 something years, I did everything I could to make people happy, to make them like me. I genuinely believed if there was anything that people were unhappy or angry about, it was my fault.

I was a walking doormat.

Strangely enough, there were plenty of people who told me just that. You're nothing. You're fat, stupid, lazy, greedy, ugly, worthless, pathetic. Some of these were my own family, some were people that called themselves my friends. Some of them were absolute strangers on the street. I believed them. Despite giving every ounce of energy I had to being, doing everything I could to please everyone else but myself, I believed them that I was worthless.

Then I was diagnosed with depression, and referred on to a psychologist who specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Through CBT I retrained my brain to be able to recognise the patterns in my behaviour and thinking that were damaging to me. I learned to like myself. My self esteem grew. As did my confidence. Slowly but surely, I began to actually love myself.

I know, I know, when you hear the words "love myself" you think of having tickets on yourself, or being up yourself. But when you truly learn what it is to love who you essentially are, it's not like that at all. It doesn't mean you think you're perfect or flawless. It doesn't mean that you think you can't make mistakes, or there aren't things about yourself that you can hone and improve. It means that you respect who you are, are proud of doing your best when you can and see your value as a human being.

Nor does it mean that you're all shiny and groovy forever. Sometimes you forget to love yourself. Sometimes the confidence and self esteem slip a bit. Then you have to rework it, relearn all those lessons and find your way again.

I am a work in progress, and always will be.

One of the big lessons I have learnt over the past year is that it doesn't matter if people don't like me. I don't need them to. What matters is that I like me as I have to live with me 24 x 7.

I spent so many years trying to make everyone happy and get them to like me, but even when I did everything I possibly could to make people happy, there were some that still didn't like me. So here I was, trying so hard, with people not liking me, and I was still unhappy. I have learnt that if I work to make myself happy, then I will draw people into my life that DO matter, and they will be happy because they matter to me and I will show them.

Life is not a popularity contest. You don't need to collect the most friends to win. What you do need to do is value the people that matter to you the most, and give your best to life.

If people don't like me, fair enough. I don't like some people myself. A lot of people really. It doesn't hurt me if people don't like me. All I ask of people who don't like me is to leave me alone. If you don't like me, why are you bothering to expend any energy on me? As the saying goes, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If I don't like someone, I travel in the opposite direction to them, not hang around paying them attention. I don't like them, why would I want to pay them any attention?

But what really matters to me is that I can be proud of myself. I try to ask myself with every decision "What will I be proud of later." Doesn't mean I always make the right decision, but it means that I make a lot more right ones than if I didn't ask myself that question!

There are a lot of people who don't like confident women. Some don't like confident men, but more don't like confident women. Women are supposed to be demure and dainty and humble. Women are supposed to be always giving, to be always supportive and enabling. Women aren't supposed to be proud of themselves. Women aren't supposed to not care if they're not liked.

Instead of walking away from those women, the people that don't like them feel the need to bring them down, to "put them in their place". NOTHING pisses these people off more than a woman who refuses to be "put in her place". What a bitch! She refuses to bow to what I think she should be, to conform to how I think she should behave!

I have a place. That is not for anyone other than ME to determine.

I remove those people from my life who want anything for me other than my happiness. Yet despite the cries of "You selfish bitch, you'll have no friends, you'll die alone and miserable and bitter." from these people who cannot bear the thought of someone simply walking away from them.

Yet here's the funny thing. Since I learned this lesson, the lesson of self esteem and confidence, the lesson of "I am beholden to no man/woman, other than myself." I am happy. And I have more truly wonderful people in my life than I ever had when I was trying to please everyone else. The connections I have made may not be as widespread, but they are far, far deeper. There is a sense of peace in me that I never had before. I feel light and strong and balanced. I carry no burdens of other people's bad behaviour longer than the time it takes for me to disengage from them.

Again, that doesn't mean that I don't still have bouts of self loathing, of fights with the black dog of depression and waves of anxiety, fears and worries. But it means that I can take a deep breath, stop and look around, see the people I love and who love me as I am, and set myself back onto the path again.

I want other people to feel what I am feeling now. I want others to know what it's like to let go of having to have the approval of others just because those others are vocal and domineering. I want to share this peace and strength. The only way I know how is to tell my story and share my experience.

Act Your Age...

You know when people make those throwaway comments with a bite? The ones that they toss at you glibly, but underneath is a slightly vinegar tone, that tells you that it means more than they want you to believe?

Well I had one of those come my way yesterday. I was telling someone about how much fun I have at the first Friday of the month BTUB events. To which the little comment came back "What, don't you like spending time with people your own age anymore?" It was said in a jesting tone, but with just enough vinegar to alert me to the fact that the commenter was clearly getting a dig in. I didn't comment on it at the time, but I've been thinking about it.

Firstly, yes, BTUB is a Twitter group. Oooooh, people from the internets! Watch out that they're not all weird stalkers and child pornographers, won't you? I meet with folks from the internet all the time. Have been doing so now for about a decade, and before that I was meeting with penpals I made through things like Rolling Stone magazine and even earlier, Dolly magazine. I'm still alive. I've not yet been stalked (that I know of) and other than a few annoying people (far less than I've met through my workplace and other "real life" events), I've not had any really bad experiences.

Secondly, it's a pretty mixed age group. The youngest I can think of is about 20, and they range to maybe up to a decade older than I am. Maybe more (you know, some folks have the youthful gene). I read somewhere that more than 60% of Twitter users are over 35. I'm just a teensy bit over 35 myself.

However, yes, there are a lot of people who are "BTUBbers" who are under 30. Most of the people I seem to have clicked with the most are under 30. And personally, I don't care what someone's age is, it's just a number of years they have rotated around the sun.

But one thing I am noticing is, that the reason I tend to gravitate towards those younger than my own generation, is that I find them refreshingly different to my "peers" so to speak. Now I am generalising here, and I am not saying that EVERYONE of my age or older fits the cookie cutter. But I have made a few observations about the people I find myself surrounded by lately, which I will share with you all.

Less cynicism. Nothing bores me more than cynics trying oh-so-hard to be cool and detached. Sneering at anything goofy, joyful, silly, entertaining or God forbid, popular. I love being around people who see fun in life, who enjoy things simply for the pleasure they give, rather than some lofty ideal or to impress others. It's so much more pleasant to be around.

Willingness to change/learn. The day I stop learning is the day I stop living. There are times I am wrong. I like to discover more about myself, others and the world. I like those who feel the same way. I like those who are eager to try new things, in the same way I am. That doesn't mean I don't like old favourites too, but I don't want to ever find myself in a rut.

Thinking outside the cookie cutter. Whether it be in clothes, music, books, movies, I don't want to ever find myself not trying something new. Or shunning something that is geeky or nerdy or not in fashion, just because it's pretty or fun or pleasant. I don't want to find myself wearing a "uniform" of clothes because it's what everyone else wears. I want to admire silver boots and purple tights and Dr Who scarves and blue dyed hair. I want to eat cupcakes in the park, or get dolled up and go to high tea, rather than stand around a barbecue with a chardy while the blokes have a beer and turn the sausages, talking about what the kiddies did at kindy or what the boss said at work.

One I've noticed from the guys: not intimidated by a woman who is independant, outgoing and confident. Oh so many guys of my generation and older like to whinge how they want an independant woman, how they want an outgoing lady with confidence but only find women who want them to pay their mortgage and tell them what to do. But when they meet a woman with confidence, they run a fucking mile. And tell their mates what a ball-breaking, aggressive bitch she is. It's refreshing to find guys who aren't bothered a jot about an outgoing, independant woman, who mostly see it as normal.

And finally, a willingness to go out of their way to show caring for each other. I think it's part of the cynicism, but I am wearied by people who like to call themselves friends, but won't inconvenience themselves for their friends. And I mean inconvenience, not at anyones expense. I'm not talking handing over your life savings, I'm talking about letting someone know you are there to listen, even though you have your own busy life. Some time ago I found myself surrounded by people who were more than happy to have me put in all the effort in a friendship, but the minute I showed any sign of need myself... well, you could hear the crickets chirping. Over the past year or so, I've found myself gathering a lovely tribe of people who give as well as receive, and yes, most of them are indeed younger than I am.

Anyway, I'm not saying everyone over 35 is boring and restricted and selfish. You know how I hate generalisations. And perhaps it is skewed by the fact that I'm meeting people who are interested in the same things I am (but I am including those I meet through work, other friends and such as well). However, for a long time, I felt tired and bored and I've changed my method of socialising, to one which happens to include people of all ages. But yes, I am often, but not always, drawn to those who are younger than I am because they're not so caught up in appearances and and what other people think.

I'll probably get a few of those barbed comments for this too... *wink*!

Thankful Sunday... A Day Late

Oops!  I forgot to do my Thankful Sunday post yesterday!  And it was Easter and all!

Oh well, better late than never.  So this week, I am thankful for:

A blissful four day weekend, cool and rainy, that I could just relax and enjoy.  It was just a nice mix of mooching at home and social activity.  It's rained all weekend (my favourite kind of weather) and I've enjoyed watching movies and reading when I'm not socialising.

I'm also thankful that the lovely Adriana called me up last week and invited me to the football on Saturday night.  I got to see the Brisbane Lions soundly thrash the Sydney Swans for the first time in about 5 years.  Always a great thing, to whale on Sydney.  I enjoyed the evening with Adriana and her lovely nephew.

And to end this thankful post, I'm thankful for you my readers!  Every time I log in and spot a comment from someone, it reminds me why I write this blog.  Don't be shy if you read, just say hello so I know you're there.

Thankful Sunday

Another week has rolled around yet again, and we're back to Sunday night.

As you may have seen by my earlier posts, I had a rough week this week.  It's been really hard to kick the black dog into submission after having some shitty things happen, but I feel I'm starting to turn a corner.

So, what am I thankful for?

I had a great time at the BTUB (Brisbane Twitter group) meet up at New Farm park yesterday.  The lovely @shique organised to have cupcakes for us all to snack on, and boy were they gorgeous!  Just take a look.

Pretty special hey?  There were also some amazing red velvet ones, and anyone who knows me, knows I love red velvet cake!

Of course, I had to go for the cutesy pink one with the cherry on top that you can see there.  But of course, as well as the cupcakes being delicious, it was great company.  I enjoyed seeing a few of the folks I'd already met, and meeting a bunch of new ones.  I took my girl @lilabris with me so she could meet some of the BTUB community too.

I am also thankful for the people in my life who support me and stick by me when the black dog hits.  This week, particularly my friend Miss E (she knows who she is!) who encouraged me to go out for dinner on Friday night to lift my mood, and listened when I had a good vent.  But also the friends who commented on my last blog, or left me messages on Facebook and stuff.  It really does help!  And I know it's not easy to have a friend who suffers depression.

I think I need to leave you all with a little more cupcake porn hey?

Thankful Sunday

Sunday night rolls around again.  I am back at work tomorrow after three weeks annual leave, and I'm quite sure it's going to be a bit of a shock to the system!  I am going to attempt to have an early night tonight.

Being Sunday night, it's time for my weekly reflection on the things I am thankful for.

Well, to start with, I am very thankful that I've been able to have three weeks off work, just relaxing and taking some time out to get my head together, get some priorities right in my life.  I feel so much better for it.  I feel like I've taken a very deep breath of good, fresh air.

I'm thankful for the lovely weekend I have just had with 5 other ladies, in the beautiful Eumundi Guesthouse.  I had a wonderful weekend of "girl time" which is something I don't get to do very often.  I laughed, had great conversation, admired shoes and clothes, relaxed, shopped and generally just enjoyed the company of these five lovely ladies.  A special thank you to Nicole who invited me.

And finally for this week, I am thankful that there are so many people who missed me online while I was away over the weekend!  Thanks for all your comments, posts and emails my lovely friends!

Thankful Sunday

Is it really Sunday already?  Another week of my holidays has passed so quickly.  Why do work weeks not pass this quickly?

Let's see, what am I thankful for this week?

Well, I've had a really mellow week, just chillin' and enjoying my holiday.  I've been feeling so relaxed and mellow, it's done me the world of good.

I'm also thankful that I got to go and see Watchmen on Friday with my friend Kylie.  It's a bit hard to follow (as was V for Vendetta for that matter) but really enjoyable.  Awesome costumes, well cast, a good meaty story (around the bits that lost  me a little) and great sets and special effects.  Plus hanging out with Kylie is always cool too.

Friday was a big day, because I also went out to see Adam Hills on Friday night, at the New Farm Powerhouse.  It was the opening night of his new tour "Inflatable", and we were the second ever audience.  Better than the first, because he was all warmed up for us.  God he was funny, I think I burst a kidney.  No really, I think I damaged a kidney laughing so  hard!  My favourite line from the whole night.  It is thus:

"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex.  You'll get some but it will be rougher than you're used to."

Brilliant line Mr Hills!

Thankful Sunday

Since I've had a bit of a rough week, I've decided that I'm going to make Sundays "Thankful Day" on my blog.  Each Sunday, I will think back over my week and talk about a few things that I am thankful for.

So what am I thankful for this Sunday?  Let's see...

Firstly I am thankful for my lovely friends.  As I said, I had a crappy week, and returned home on Friday feeling very blue, and quite low in the self esteem.  Within 24 hours, all my lovely friends had boosted me up and made me feel back to my normal, upbeat self.  I love you my friends!  And a special thanks to Kylie B and Kerri for their texts while I was away, you saved my life girls!

I'm also thankful that I'm financially secure and I have a nice little flat to live in.  I can't imagine how miserable I would be if I had to rely on my family.  I'm thankful that I have abundance in my life right now, and that I can not only live comfortably but have some fun in my life.

I'm thankful for all the BrisVegas folks on Twitter who showed concern after I tweeted about being attacked at South Bank bus station on Friday.  I was really pissed that nobody offered to help me when that bastard was abusing me, and that nobody asked me if I was ok even after he left (and I had called the police).  But the Twitter community  here in BrisVegas were amazing!

And I'm thankful that my friend Trish is on the home run of her chemo, and that she's been responding to the chemo so well.  Four more treatments lady!

So what are you thankful for?  Leave me a comment - it'll be good for you!

I've Been Awarded!

I just found out today that I've been given an award! How special!

My friend Megan awarded me for this one over on her blog Doing What the Cool Kids Do.

Sweet!

Now what I need to do is -

Here are the rules to follow through when you receive the award:

1. Post a copy on your blog.

2. Mention who gave you the award.

3. Pass the award onto 6 others.

4. Leave a message on their blog letting them know the award has been bestowed upon them.

I'd like to nominate, in no specific order:

Katagal Kapers - my lovely friend and colleague Kerri, who is always so positive and upbeat.

Terri's Ramblings - I have only met Terri in person once for a few days, but she's like a sister that I never had!

Morphine Dreams - Jacqueline is just too cool for words.

Random Thoughts and Rambles - Jules is an open hearted lady, always around to lend an ear to her cysters.

The Bruising Adventures of Girl Clumsy - A thought provoking and often hilarious lady.

Mandie's World - Another fabulous cyster who I only met in real life for a few days, but it was an AWESOME few days.

Congratulations friends!