A Colossal Failure

Isn't a long weekend a delicious thing?

I've been able to spend mine catching up on all the bits and pieces online that I haven't had time to look at/read/watch over the past few weeks, because I've been so busy.  Mostly because my DVD player decided to die on Saturday, which meant that I couldn't spend hours watching Firefly on DVD like I planned to, so it gave me this opportunity.

I favourite a lot of things in my browser and in Twitter to look at later.  Mostly it's videos and articles.  Sometimes when I'm really busy, I find myself with pages and pages of articles and stuff to work back through.  I always go back to the very oldest stuff and work my way through methodically, so that nothing gets missed.

Today, I got to this little gem that I'll post for you below.  It's a video from Maker Faire in San Francisco a week or two ago, of a talk Adam Savage gave about failure.

You all know by now what a huge Mythbusters fan I am, and yes, Adam is very cool and has probably the most awesome job in the world (who else but the Mythbusters get to make stuff and then destroy it in spectacular ways?)

But there is another reason I really dig Adam.  I think as well as being lots of fun, super-creative and a joy to watch with all his enthusiasm, I think he has a really cool outlook on life, which does manifest in some incredible wisdoms sometimes.  So before I go on, here's the video.  It is an hour long, but well worth watching:

While this talk is still a rough one and I'm sure Adam will refine it over the coming months (as he did with his previous amazing talk on obsession), even at this point I find it inspirational and thought provoking.

I am learning that it is ok to fail.  It's not ok to do something half-arsed or without thought, but if I give it my best shot, and learn from any mistakes I make, then it's fine.  Because as Adam says, it's the failures in life that gear you up and lead you to the successes.  It is the failures than help you refine your work to be consistently better and better each time.  And as he says, there is no shame in owning those failures either.  Sure it feels bad, sometimes downright painful, and takes some getting over, but I believe so long as you own it, and learn from it, you will be better off in the long run.

So what's the most colossal failure you have ever made?  Did you learn from it and move on, or are you still cringing?

A Letter To Myself

How long is it since you were sixteen?  It's an awful long time since I was sixteen, and if you've been reading earlier posts, you'll know that my 20 year high school reunion was just a couple of weeks ago (for those of you who haven't read earlier posts, I didn't go).

I had a conversation with a friend recently about if you knew then, what you know now.  Which kind of got me thinking, what would I say to myself if I could sit down today and write a letter for 16 year old me, that 16 year old me would actually receive.  So I thought I would give it a go here.

Dear me,

I know right now you just can't imagine being 36 years old.  I know you've thought about the Year 2000 and how you'll be 27 when the new year hits and and that's totally unfathomable to you.  But it does happen, and it will sail right by you really quickly, and before you know it, 2010 is racing up towards you at a phenomenal rate.

But that will be ok.  Because unlike the years gone by, you feel more comfortable about time passing than you have when you were younger, and you'll not feel like you have all these deadlines and rules you have to stick by in your life.

I know right now in your life, you are all you have that you feel you can depend on.  Things are changing all around you, you're finding a little bit of the strength you are capable of, and you're making decisions for YOU for the first time in your life.  You're well versed in making adult decisions, you've been making them since  you can remember, but this is about the first time you're making those decisions with yourself in mind.  Even though you don't quite recognise it yet, and you're still trying to please everyone else, you're starting to get your first inkling that you do need to look after you before everyone else.  That's good, because the sooner you learn that, the easier it gets honey!

You're scared, and you feel like things never change.  They will.  Boy oh boy will they change for you very soon.  You're going to meet your first true love very soon, and you will still love him with your whole heart over 20 years later, even though you know he's not the man for you.  And I promise you, he'll never break your heart.  He'll teach you that men can be gentle and loving and giving, that they don't have to be about violence and humiliation.  Watch out for him, you'll know he's a kindred spirit the moment you meet him.

Don't worry so much about what other people think about you.  Worry about what you think about you.  That's not an easy lesson to learn, but it is the truth.  Especially don't worry what strangers or people you don't like think about you.  They matter NOTHING.  And if someone thinks bad things about you, then they're not worth caring about.  The ones who matter love you to bits, and they'll prove it in a million ways.

Oh and your family?  You're the one that's getting it right sweetie, it's ok.  You will find a happiness that their selfishness and bitterness will never, ever afford them.  You will be free.

Your body is not who you are.  It's hard being different to everyone else, I know, but it doesn't define you.  Who you are is in your heart and soul and mind.  Again, those people who don't love you for who you really are, well, they're not worth caring about either.

Believe it or not, you can learn anything you put your mind to.  A fucking brilliant TV show called Mythbusters is going to teach you that.  Yep, a TV show.  It will end up being one of the few things you bother to watch.  Because every time it's on, it awakes a new curiosity in you for something else you can learn about.  It will send you off to the library or the internet (don't worry, you'll learn what the internet is in about a decade, and you'll never look back) to learn more about a gazillion other subjects.  Through that learning you'll discover a confidence in yourself that you would never have believed possible.  Here they are, keep an eye out for them:

And guess what?  The stutter goes away.  Not totally, but enough that most people will never know you suffered from it, unless you choose to tell them.  So much, that you'll even be public speaking one day. 

But what I really want you to know is, you're awesome.  Not in a wanky conceited way, but just you, as you really are, with all your flaws, mistakes, fuck-ups, goofiness and traits that some people put you down for, are actually awesome.  You don't have to be perfect to be awesome.  You are a smart, beautiful, funny and HUGELY open hearted woman.  And the day you realise that will be the most liberating moment of your life.

I love you.

Kath

High School Daze...

My 20 year high school reunion is on over Easter.  I'm not going.  Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, or because I feel uncomfortable, but simply because I'm not interested in any of the people who ARE going.

It's funny, but the very people who would never have spoken to me in high school are all clamouring to be my friend on Facebook or get in touch with me these days.  The very same girls that would never have sat anywhere near me in class, now send me emails and Facebook messages saying "Oh it's so awesome to see you, you've been up to so much since we left school!"

This is because the absolute pinnacle of their lives was high school.  They were at their most popular, beautiful, confident and interesting during those high school years.  Once they left school, it was all downhill from there.  Most of them were married young, had kids young, many divorced young... and that's about all they've done with their lives.  They were so wrapped up in being beautiful and popular and following what they thought was how you lived life, that they forgot to LIVE.

The thought of spending several hours in the company of these people is so boring that I just can't be bothered going.  Nor can I be bothered contacting them back or friending them on Facebook.  I feel no anger or bitterness towards any of them, really just disinterest and in some cases, pity.

There are a few people I would like to see that will be at the reunion, but I'd rather catch up with them some other way later on.  Without the distraction of people who I have no interest in trying to get some attention.

Would you go to your high school reunion?  If yes, what attracts you to it?  If no, why not?

I actually don't have any photographs of me as a teenager (until I was about 18 or 19), but here's one of me just before I started high school (holding primary school graduation certificates):

I wish I still had legs like that!

Want!

I'm up way later than I should be this evening.  I will go to bed soon, I promise.

But until then, let's talk about wants.

I want some things.  I want an iPhone.  I want a Mac laptop.  I want a bicycle.  I also want a good quality digital SLR camera.

I don't need any of these things, but I want them.  My life won't be better if I do have them, but they will make me feel good.  I will enjoy them and the sense of achievement for having obtained them.

I've made the decision that I shall have all of those things by the end of 2009.  And once I've made up my mind, it will happen.  Dunno how, dunno when, but it will.

That's how my trip to the  US happened.  I made the decision that I was going to go to the US for my 35th birthday, and that I was going to spend the whole holiday season there, from my birthday in late October through Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year.  I just made up my mind.  And to this day I still don't know how I quite wangled it, but I did and it was the trip of a lifetime.

I am a firm believer that once you put your mind to something, you can make it happen.  Of course, it doesn't just happen miraculously on it's own, you have to have some input into the deal, but once you've made that decision the input is much easier.

I didn't always believe this.  Until a few years ago, I believed the whole of life was about fate and luck and that I had really bad luck.  But I had a shift in my thinking and started believing I could put my mind to anything I wanted and needed in life, and since I have, it's mostly worked for me.  Of course there have still been big challenges that cropped up, but I've found that when I've made the decision to deal with those challenges or make changes, then they tend to shift and change around me.

How do you feel about the things you want in life, be they material, emotional or general life goals?  Do you feel like you have any control over the likelihood of those wants being realised?  Do you believe it's up to fate?

Best and Worst of 2008

My friend Kathryn in Chico, CA sent me this via email for herself, so I thought I would blog it. Here are my Top and Bottom 10 things about 2008. I'll start with the crap things so I end on a high note.

Worst of 2008

1. Trish being diagnosed with cancer
2. Being treated like crap by a man I trusted.
3. Dealing with a bully at work.
4. Working too much and playing too little.
5. Ali leaving BCCLS.
6. Seeing so many of my IT buddies suffering under their current conditions.
7. Summer.
8. Dealing with a weirdo on MySpace who went ballistic because Obama got elected and spamming me with hate.
9. Cysters United being ditched because the Forumsvibe service got shut down.
10. Christmas.

And the Best of 2008

1. Getting a promotion!
2. Buying a washing machine.
3. My friend LukeyB. He's adorable.
4. The tail end of my trip to the US.
5. New Years Eve.
6. Wordscraper (used to be Scrabulous on Facebook) - I'm addicted!
7. The crackwhore moving out of my building.
8. Spending a weekend on the Gold Coast with Janna.
9. The Shanachies visit.
10. Gus's coffee.

There are actually a lot more good things than bad, but I just reeled 10 off the top of my head. I had to think about the 10 bad, so that's a positive note!

This Year I Have Learnt

Christmas is almost here. Can you believe it? I am astonished when I realise that it has been a year since I was in America. This time last year I was in New York City, freezing my tail off but loving it. I was just about to go to Michigan to see my cysters Terri and Mandie and their families. It was possibly the most amazing time of my entire life.

So what has happened in my life over the past year? What have I learned about life and myself? Let me see:

• I can find friends anywhere in the world, simply by being myself.
• I really did miss the Big Canadian Dude more than words can say.
• Giving my heart to someone who is only attentive of me when he wants something is a complete waste of my beautiful heart.
• I really don't like corn syrup in my food.
• But I love KFC that is fried chicken with mashed potato, green beans and biscuits and gravy.
• America has bad coffee.
• Canada has great coffee.
• Canada has bad donuts
• America has GREAT donuts.
• Bullies will never win in the long run.
• So long as I always act with integrity, no-one can stop me from achieving my goals.
• I don't have to always be the reliable and responsible one. Sometimes I can just kick back and let other people do the work.
• A real man knows a woman's worth and is not afraid to acknowledge and appreciate it.
• Aussie chocolate really does taste better than the American stuff.
• I can learn anything I want to.
• I really want to travel more.
• I need to work less and play more.

I am sure I've learnt a LOT more than these things, but this is a good start.

Let me take this opportunity to wish you all