A Post for the Guys...

This post is especially for the guys. I would like to ask you all to please go and read this article:

On Being a No-Name Blogger Using Her Real Name - Kate Harding

Ladies may read it as well, but I wager it's all nothing you haven't heard or thought before.

I am not using my real name. However many of you know my real name, or I have enough information on here for anyone who knows me, to know that this is my blog. I did have my real name on my Twitter too but changed that, however I use my first name regularly there. I have toyed with using my real name everywhere, as I really want to be transparent in my blogging/tweeting etc, I want my name to be connected to my writing, but I have had some troubling experiences in the life of my blogging. I have been lucky so far, I've not had anything truly frightening, but I have had some upsetting experiences.

However I don't want those to take my joy of writing, tweeting, sharing photos and videos away from me. I want to stay transparent and open, I'm proud of that. I want to share my experiences and the wisdom I gain along the way, and dammit my opinions too.

So that's why I'm asking particularly the guys to read the Kate Harding article linked above. Because when you fellas let it slide when some douchebag makes our lives miserable, or insults us, or "drunk tweets" feral sexual comments about us, or harasses us in blog comments, or rolls their eyes when we get upset about something and so on, you're giving those misogynistic fuckers the message that it's ok. And that encourages them to take it to the next step, and the next, and beyond.

But I would also like to take this opportunity to thank those men who DO stand up and say "Oi, that's not right." when these things happen. I would like you to know how much it matters to women when you do that. Not just because you're seen as being on our side, but because it gives us a feeling that we are safer having your support. That not every man is out to crush us down, shut us up, force us into our "place". That there is hope for change for women who wish to be seen, who don't want to be invisible.

So thank you.

Still a Nice Girl...

An interesting observation.  Every time I share my opinion on Twitter, I lose "followers".  It doesn't bother me, but I have noticed it happening every time.

It's an interesting phenomenon.  I notice that other assertive women who feel comfortable in sharing their opinion have the same result.

However, when a man shares his opinion, he gains more followers.  Folks pipe up "Hear! Hear!"

Even though it's the year 2009, women are not allowed to voice their opinions.  If they debate a topic, they're "harping" or "bitching".  Or worse, if they do debate it with another woman, sometimes that woman just turns to bitchy personal comments that have no bearing on the discussion.

During a debate, women are told to "get over it" or "can't you just let go."  However the guys are encourage to push the point and keep debating.  For men, it's called banter, for women, it's called narking.

I used to bite my tongue and not say anything, even when I believed deeply in something.  I used to be a "nice girl" who minded her manners, kept her thoughts to herself and towed the line.  But I learnt that all I was doing was making myself miserable.

Now that I  have more confidence in myself, my self esteem is stronger, I will speak up.  Especially if it something around people's attitudes that makes others feel inferior.  It's something I'm passionate about, the fact that some people believe themselves above others, or they put others down to make themselves feel superior.

When I believe something in my gut, I will speak up for it.  Like my earlier blog on rape (which I copped a lot of criticism for), or a debate over someone's superior attitude, or fat discrimination, disrespect to faith, all subjects that mean something to me.

That's not to mean I won't listen to intelligent, respectful discussion on it, in fact there is nothing I love better than to have someone challenge my thinking and them allow me to challenge theirs.  Some of the most stimulating discussions I've ever have were heated debates between myself and someone who had a very different opinion/belief.

When I went to visit my beloved friend Ian in Canada after  not seeing him for about 13  years, one thing I was looking forward to the most was an "argument" with him.  We got into one of our famous debates (which was over something quite silly) and someone said something to us to settle down, and I remember turning and grinning and saying "No way, I've waited 13 years for this!" and he replied "I love you Kath!"

I love being able to argue with someone and know that it's not a reflection on their feelings towards me, it's just a good solid debate.  To know that they're going to treat me with the same respect in the debate that I treat them with.

I no longer care if people don't like me for speaking up, for being assertive and sharing my opinion.  Because those that matter accept me for who I am, and appreciate my honesty and willingness to back my own beliefs.  It took a long time before I was able to do that, but boy is it liberating when you reach that point!

I'm still a nice girl.  I'm a nice girl with a good gut feeling and belief in respect and speaking up!

Thinkin' About the Fellas

I watched the Sex and the City movie this afternoon.  Wasn't really that into it.  I liked the shoes and the New York City bit, but I just couldn't get into it.  On further discussion with the lovely Girl Clumsy this evening, I realise what has stuck in my craw.

It's the attitude to men in it.  It felt to me that every man in it was either a piece of man flesh, or an arsehole.  With exception perhaps to the dark haired woman's husband (I know, I don't know their names except for Carrie and Samantha) who really was a bit of a shadow through the whole movie, he had about three whole lines and wasn't given any substance.

It's got me thinking a bit about how men are portrayed in film and television.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that how women are portrayed is any better, but at least we all speak up about that regularly.

But when it comes to how men are portrayed, it is open season.  How many ads can you think of on TV at the moment where it centres around a doofus male who just can't find something or asks a stupid question, or makes a big gaffe doing DIY etc?  Can you imagine the uproar if a woman was portrayed like that?

When we see a movie and the women in it are all either portrayed as tarty bits of flesh for the men's amusement, or complete bitches that make a man's life hell, don't we all get horrified at it?

Now I'm not saying that all movies should be touchy feely and everyone nice.  What I'm getting at is that when a whole gender is negatively portrayed, it just feels really wrong.  Sure, have your bad guy, but also have the hero who helps save the day.  Have your bitch queen, but have another woman who is cool.  Go for the bit of sexy  man flesh, but give him some depth of character.  Make your gals sexy AND smart.

I'm also not saying that men can't be arseholes and that women can't be shallow bits of fluff.  But to tar a whole gender with the same brush in a film or television show just makes me feel uncomfortable, you know?

I know ladies, I know, we've all been treated REALLY badly by a man or men in our past.  Some of us in our very recent past.  But does that mean they're all bastards?  You know we all have heard the thing where women are somebody's daughter, somebody's mother, somebody's sister?  Well the guys are somebody's son, somebody's father, somebody's brother.  And like women, guys deserve a chance before they're all written off.

Two wrongs don't make a right is all I'm sayin'!